Barely five days into the new year, we’ve already received a premature reminder of the embarrassingly inevitable: in 2009, a new crop of opportunists will make hilariously ill-advised forays into the realm of “celebrity fashion design”, a phenomena that by now serves as its own punchline. The culprits this week? Why, British songstress Amy Winehouse and Kevin Federline — that’s right the fallen “Fed-Ex” himself. Considering that the novelty of celebrities dabbling in “crafts” outside their comfort zone died back in 2006, it only seems fitting that the “trainwrecks” and “has-beens” would belatedly hop on board the bandwagon of the “singers who sew”.
First up, the lesser of two evils: Amy. Fred Perry, an iconic British sportswear label we happen to like a lot, is rumored to be interested in having The Wino guest design a capsule collection for them in the near future. As she has currently put the brakes on her third album, she might actually have time — between rehab and detox — to throw something eccentrically, quintessentially British together for the line. And we actually don’t mind this development, should it prove to be true. In her own harrowing, kooky way, Winehouse actually possesses a distinct visual identity, as iconic as it is unhealthy. She’d do scooter boots and Northern Soul minis justice.
In K Fed’s case, however, words fail us. As Morrissey once sang, “that joke isn’t funny anymore”. And yet, tragically, it kind of is: after all, Kevin’s clothing line — wait for it — will be for kids. Bizarrely titled “Otzi”, we imagine the line will run the gamut from baby trucker gear to drop-crotch diapers to gold baby sneakers. In other words, the epitome of fine children’s clothing.
Lastly, Girls Aloud vixen Cheryl Cole, who graces this month’s British Vogue — we predicted she’d wear gold crumpled Prada, and gold crumpled Prada it is — is rumored to follow Kate Moss’s footsteps and design for Topshop. We can’t really argue with that one: Cheryl’s style, while hardly original, is tasteful and attractive.
So: Amy, K-Fed, and Cheryl — of these three, who is the
most promising least revolting designer-to-be?